The Secret Life of the Mild Mannered Maid
by Takun18
Summary: Naota had to hand it to the planet trotting wonder woman. When she said she was going to lie in his bed and watch cartoon's all day, she damned well meant it. A day in the life of Naota and Haruko.


I dont own FLCL, Gainax does. If youd like to speak to an unofficial representative, she's just down the street, the house with the ceremaic garden gnomes - cum - giant robots outside of it.

* * *

The Secret Life of the Mild Mannered Maid

by Takun

* * *

Naota couldn't quite remember how it happened. He remembered lying on his bunk, definately, while above him, between snores, Haruko sang in her sleep. Hardly graceful or even in tune, the tone deaf alien had a fondness for theme songs, and he went to sleep hearing the a mantra of "Robots in disguise..." above him.

Maybe that explained why he was pretending to be interested as a shiney lorry sat in the drive way, humming quietly as the engine ran, the front of the car moving as it coughed...

... cough... cough cough...

Naota's brow furrowed slightly, the corner of his mouth twitching downwards. 'Coughing?' The steel grille started to fog lightly as the bars bent and wobbled, coughing harder. Naota moved back slightly, turning his head to try and protect his ears. It was becoming quicker with each spluttering shudder of the suspension.

Cough cough.. cough cough cough cough... COUGH!

There was a final eruption from the vehical that sounded like it was assisted by the car horn, loud and honking, complete with transmissionary fluid being sprayed against his face. Just in time for Naota to give a quick shuddering jolt of his own.. straight up into the face of one Haruhara Haruko, leaning over him, framed by the bottom of the top bunk.. and coughing against him, complete with spluttering over his face. Her hand came up to his chest and she pushed him out of her personal space and back against his pillow.

"No Furi Kuri now, Ta-kun.. I'm sick..."

Naota's eye twitched as he wiped her spittle off of his cheek, taking her in through sleep bleary eyes. She looked drearier than usual, but her skin being natually pale, seemingly at least anyway, it was hard to tell just how ill she was. The boy managed a a questioning murmur before her eyes flung open wide and she grabbed his pyjama top, pulling him back up to her face.''I'm si-ick!" she yelled, leaving his ear ringing before he was flung out of his bed. He recovered in time to see a mess of limbs and sheets rearange itself until she was resting comfortably, the sheets up to her chin, her hands holding them there weakly.

"So why you gotta take MY bed?" Naota pointed an accusing finger at her face which she treated with the same respect one might treat dust.

"You wouldnt kick a poor, _defensless_ little sick lady like me outta bed, would you?"

"You left out 'old' in that list..." His reply was Haruko's leg shooting out from the sheets to kick him in the side of the head.

* * *

"Aww, Poor Haruko-chan..." Naota's father could sound serious when he wanted, the effect being lost as he drew up the medical mask from his neck and reached for a pair of rubber gloves, completing the look of the scrubbed up doctor he dressed as. "Maybe a sponge bath would help?" The mask twisted as he grinned lecherously, snapping one glove against his wrist.

"Naaaah..." she replied, her tongue sticking far out as she spoke. ".. Ta-kun already helped me with that earlier."

Golden eyes winked and Natoa's father stiffened, peeling the glove off his hand and snapping it off so it flew behind him against his son's forehead. Naota shook his head furiously, the rubber peice flying off as he glared angrily at the so called "ill Haruhara". It was Naota's grandfather who stepped forward then, offering a brown paper bag from the bakery.

"Some curry bread for you, Haruhara-san. Good for what ail's you." Haruko gleeful snatched up the bag, reaching in and pulling out a slice to chew on, muffling a 'thank you' back.

"Yes, Thank you Monkey-san.." Kamon replied, pulling the mask away from his face before moving forward and clasping his hands, bent low and offering. "Is there anything _I_ can do for you Haruko-chan? Call a nurse perhaps?" A tiny twinkle seemed to alight behind his glasses and Haruko stopped eating her slice of bread to suck on her little finger, appearing deep in thought...

"Can I have the TV?" she asked brightly, earning a snort from Naota against the wall.

"Well that sounds like someone sick, sure...Why don't we just give her a bell so she can ring when she wants us to dote on her, hm?" Three pairs of eyes stared at him for a moment before Haruko smacked the back of her hand to her forehead, sighing deeply and collapsing back against's his pillow.

"Ohh Ta-kun, why don't you love me? I can't help being all sick an' weak, and yet you wont even share your bunk with me, making me climb all the way up to mine in my condition? Oohh, Ta-kun, Ta-kun Taaa-kuuun..."

Naota's frown grew before Kamon reached forward and flicking him in the forehead.

"Look what you did to poor Haruko-chan, the woman who takes _care_ of you so, Naota-kun!"

"Yea, you lil brat!!" The aforementioned voice was none-other than, again, 'Poor Haruko-chan', sounding much healthier than she had 10 seconds pervious. Rather than argue or endure scorn, he slid his door opened and shifted outside to fetch the television, Haruko's voice echoing after him:

"And bring the cable box too, Ta-kun! They got a marathon of 'Hong Kong Phooey' on today!!"

* * *

Naota had to hand it to the planet trotting wonder woman - when she said she was going to lie in his bed and watch cartoon's all day, she damned well meant it. And having to spend his day answering every ring of the bell she was given was NOT his idea of fun. After the fifth ring he resinged himself to staying up there, sitting on a chair next to the double-bunk bed.

"C'mon Ta-kun, why dontcha join me in here?" she asked, peeling the sheet back and patting the bed. Naota deliberately moved back slightly, looking affronted.

"But then I'd catch the deadly strain of Maxwell Smart-atisis you contracted, and then I'D be ill, Haruko."

As he expected, Haruko snorted, sticking her finger in her ear and twisting it.

"Wake up, theres no such thing. But then what can I expect, you _do_ believe everything I tell you. So cute..." Naota's eyes flickered before he looked away, his cheeks reddening as Haruko snickered from his bunk.

"Damn boy, how easy is it for me to get your blood flowing, eh?" A long arm shot out and wrapped around his neck, pulling him close as she bumped her cheek against his.

"Feeling better then I take it.." he muttered, looking away, trying to hide the rising color in his face.

"Aw c'mon Ta-kun, I just wanted a nice day to lounge around in bed, watchin' cartoons and having my favourite lil' NO Channel for company. Is that a crime?" Haruko pulled the finger out of her ear and, after glancing at it to see that it was clean, popped it in her mouth and fluttered her lashes, mimicing a typical look of innocence, sweetness and cuteness.

"Oh yeah, the law passed last week." he answered.

"Oooh, then I need to be arrested! Oh Agent 86, take mercy on me!" By now Haruko had flung herself away from Naota, pressing herself against the wall and pleading for forgiveness, her arm thrown up to shield herself from an invisible force, her eyes closed to hide from the 'face of justice'.

"It was a crime of passion! -" she continued, pointing accusingly at Naota without looking up. "He said he'd love me an take care of me! He said 'Don't worry baby, Johny Law'll never catch us!' and I believed him! I'm a good lil girl, honest! Oh PLEASE Mister Smart! Please!!"

Naota had watched the entire performance unrole before him, complete with her voice becoming deeper as she imatated her lover-slash-partner in crime, himself. He groaned and pushed himself out of his chair, moving to the door.

"You can't hide from him!" He looked back to see her on her hands and knees on his bed, pointing at him with such force as if she was accusing a vicious murderer of his crimes and the swift justice that would follow. Naota's eyebrow crossed down questionly before she melted into a cooing mass of hyperactivity.

"Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy! Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the monkey-boy's eye!"

Naota made his exit and she jumped into the middle of the room, grabbing thin air and making kicks, all the while singing a VERY untuned theme to the cartoon she had been rotting her brain with half the day.

"He's got style, a groovy smile and a car that just wont stop,

When the going gets rough he's super tough! With a Hong Kong Phooey chop!"

On que, a peice of wall shot off into the hall, Haruko's shackled hand sticking through the wall, flat and pointed in a karate chop fasioned. Naota made his way downstairs and out the door, the entire time her singing seemingly shaking the house. Until he passed undereath his own winder and she stuck her head out of it, screaming at him at the top of her very healthy alien lungs - "Hong Kong Phooey - Pen-riffic!!!" The window slammed shut immediately afterwards and Naota was left shaking his head.

"Ahh, Haruko-chan feeling better then?" Kamon asked, standing in the doorway of the family owned bakery.

* * *

And that was how Naoto guessed the day went. He kept himself busy with taking a walk along the river and the bridge while Haruko whittled the day away, glued to the Music, Cartoon and Comedy channels of cable tv. But it was only a guess, because both TV and paid TV outlet were back in the living room before he got home that afternoon, a sign of a miraculous recovery of his roommate... after she had been given her dinner in bed, being firmly told not to strain herself by the resident doting pervert. Deciding that he didn't care to wade through the scattered mess of his room (which could have only gotten worse from Haruko's determination to spend the entire day in there) Naota stayed away from his door, staying downstairs for most of the night. The TV was now adorned with crisp packets and stickers along the side, as well as an occasional rolling that moved across the screen occasionaly. Most likely due to the dent it was now sporting along the side of the set, which, acording to his grandfather was "there for years" and according to his father "gave it character".

Naota wisely decided not to bother arguing with either elder, happy when the set was switched off hours later after Kamon finally left for bed.

"Ahh, Naota-kun, you should really have gone and checked on Haruko-chan instead of spending so much time down here with your grandfather and me. I mean.." Kamon grinned widely. ".. if positions were switched I wouldn't leave her side all day. Just think of all the Furi Kuri..."

Naota sniffed and and replied with a "Goodnight Dad." Kamon Nandaba resigned himself happily to chanting "Fooly Cooly" all the way up to his room as his son wandered slowly behind him, stopping at his own door.

When Naota did open his door, he wasnt surprised at the ruin that lay before him. His bed was a mess, comeplete with crisp packets and milkshake cups and soda cans piled on top of it. An empty plate of raman sat on the floor next to Haruko's Rickenbacker, and Haruko... was absent. Naota glanced back into the hall towards the bathroom, which was quiet and dark beneath the door frame, indicating no light, no water and no Haruko. Naota sighed and moved to pick up the plate and cans. It wasn't unusual for her to up and go randomly, anywhere and everywhere she deemed interesting enough to venture, usually stumbling into the room later in the night and flipping herself onto the top bunk.

Maybe that was why his heart almost burst from his chest when, halfway to the kitchen, a flash of red shot down from the cieling and knocked into him.

"_Rinky Dinky Doo!_"

Naota yelped as he fell onto his backside, staring up with wide eyes. Haruko stood clad in a black bandana with eye holes cut, a red martial arts gi-style robe and a yellow belt around her waist. Her long legs were completely bare and he could only guess (and half-heartidly hope) that she was wearing underwear beneath the costume.

"Wha-what the _hell_ Haruko!"

Haruko grinned and scratched an itch on her cheek. Then she planted her feet either side of Naota's waist and fell upon him, pinning him to the ground.

"You are under arrest for not taking care of your poor sick beloved!" Her hands clasped beneath her chin and her eyes fluttered before she poked him in the chest.

"Si-sick? You wern't sick! You were lazy!" Haruko had decided to ignore this comment, picking up where she had left off.

"By day she's the mild mannered Nandaba maid, Haruko Penrod Pooch, but when crime rears it's face, she's the super duper crim fighter Hong Kong Phooey! And you should know that noone escapes Hong Kong Phooey!" From the loose sleeve she produced a small black book and opened it up.

"Now lemme just check my Hong Kong book of Kung Fu for how to deal with naughty Ta-kun's that don't take care of their Haruko-chan's..."

"Naughty? What are you talking about?!"

"Oohh, did you wanna be my side kick instead, Spot? I dunno, you know what they say" Haruko's voice dropped to a whisper as she leaned in close to his ear. "..on the animal food chain, it's Dog - eats - cat."

Naota struggled beneath Haruko, which only caused her to pin him harder. The moment one of his arms got free her leg pulled forward and she pinned his wrist with her foot, which in turn cause more struggling... until Naota noticed that the change in position had caused the flimsy costume to ride up.. and yes, she was wearing underwear. It took Haruko only a moment to notice this as well and she grinned, slipping the book back inside her sleeve.

"My my, those are hardly G rated thoughts there Ta-kun, I'd call those PG-13...hmm.. Maybe even M rated! Definately a crook I got here!!!" Naota stammed to himself before she flipped off of him, grabbing him and pulling him to his feet.

"Well I'm gonna have to take you in now. Not taking care of Haruko-chan, being grumbly, not watching TV all day, and now having sexy, erotic, furi kuri thoughts about me!"

Haruko dragged Naota up the stairs to their room, flinging him up onto the top bunk and pinning him again, grinning widely, the black eye mask eclipsing his vision as she stared intently at him.

"Your bunk?" he asked, as Haruko pushed the loose red sleeves up her arms, resting her weight against him.

"Of course. Honk Kong Phooey takes care of the innocent, and your bed's a fuggin' mess. How the hell can you sleep in that thing? Garbage and crumbs everywhere!" Naota didn't bother to point out exactly who'se fault it was for the said mess, his brain registered a show of cleavage from the martial arts-esque shirt she was wearing and his mouth had a loose connection suddenly.

"I thought you said I was guilty.."

"Ooohhh, Ta-kun want's to be punished..." Naota tried to utter a reply before she pulled his head up and kissed him.

"You've been bad. Your talking privaliges have been revoked." And with a point at the cieling and a loud declaration of "The powers of Kung Fu concentration win again!" Haruko threw the book from within her sleep at the light switch. It hit hard, a spark bursting from it as the switch broke before the light died.

"Evil light switch" she mumbled before burying her face in the crook of his neck, and once again, the theme tune to a random cartoon being quiely mumbled in between light snores before he fell asleep too.


End file.
